The Faces of Stress
For new stepfamilies, turmoil is the rule, a
new study finds-but commitment and consistency can change that.
by Christina Del Valle. STAFF WRITER
Newsday
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE a life remade. With a new husband, a
new family and a beautiful home in Holliswood, Queens, Reena Kitzes thought she had put
two bad marriages behind her - and all the turmoil that came along with them.
But before she and her daughter from her first marriage had
unpacked their bags, Kitzes realized just how out of whack her high hopes had been.
Her teenaged stepdaughter and stepson suddenly seemed not
only indifferent to her, but also unwelcoming. And she felt a growing unease over her
husband's intensely close relationship with his extended family, many of whom lived only
minutes away.
"I didn't really, honestly feel like we'd make
it," says Kitzes. She and her husband, Arnold, have just celebrated their 11th
wedding anniversary. But, she says, "Even now I know I'll never be integrated into
his family. I'll always be an outsider, the second wife who isn't the mother of his
children."
Her situation is increasingly common. The number of
stepfamilies in the country has skyrocketed, mirroring the growth in the number of
divorced parents. Demographers estimate that more than 50 percent of all first marriages
split up. Three of every four people who divorce, many of whom have had children with a
former spouse, eventually march up the aisle again.
But of these remarriages, the U.S. Census Bureau found that
almost 50 percent also break down, a fact that dramatically underscores the difficulties
stepfamilies face. "We're marrying and divorcing and remarrying and breaking up
again," says Jeannette Lofas, president and founder of the Stepfamily Foundation,
with headquarters in Manhattan and Sag Harbor.
Even in the best circumstances, growing up has its rough
periods, for both parents and children. But the problems may escalate when one of the
parents is not biologically the child's. "Kids will reject and stepparents often
don't know what their role is. The roles are in total confusion," Lofas says.
A recent 9-year study of 200 stepfamilies formed after the
divorce of the mother or father - or both - came to the same conclusion. The high divorce
rate for remarried couples with children stems from the high levels of stress that the
"blended" family inevitably confronts, says James H. Bray, who conducted the
study and is the co-author of "Stepfamilies" (Broadway Books, $25). He is also
an associate professor of family medicine at Baylor College of Medicine in Houston and a
psychologist who specializes in family therapy. "Many of these families break up
because of the number of difficult issues they have to cope with," he says.
Discipline seems to be one of the thorniest areas. Steve of
North Babylon, who asked that his real name be withheld, can attest to that. Two years
ago, he remarried. Steve was 43, his new wife 36. It was her first marriage. Eight months
later, Steve's teenage son decided to move out of his mother's home and live with them.
Steve and Shirley, who also asked that her name not be printed, are still struggling with
how to discipline the boy, Steve says. "We have differences of opinion on child
rearing," he says. "I tend to be on the more lenient side."
The two are committed to making their marriage work while
including his son, who is now 16, in their life full-time. The best approach, they've
found, is to come to an agreement on such troublesome issues as curfews or bedtimes before
talking with his son.
When the teenager first came to live with them, confusion
reigned. Shirley didn't know how far she could go in enforcing rules. After all, as the
boy often reminded her, she was not his mother. And Steve backed away from disciplining
his son, not wanting to be too strict. The couple turned to therapists for help. They
learned two valuable lessons: to follow through with punishment and never to contradict
each other in front of their son. "We don't need a three-sided argument," says
Steve. "We also don't want him to see where we're weak and give him ways to
manipulate us." Shirley adds, "We're united."
A calm has settled over the family, the couple says. Sending
a consistent message has been the key. "Kids need rules," Steve says. "If
they don't have rules, they think that nobody cares about what they do."
Stepfamilies face other issues that sometimes even love
cannot conquer.
Elaine Parsowith of Douglaston says she didn't know what she
was thinking when she married her second husband. She had one son, now 11. He had two
daughters for whom he paid child support. Their marriage broke up after six years. There
were many reasons, says Parsowith, who is 40.
For one, she had unrealistic expectations. She thought her
second husband would lavish attention on her and her son. Instead he was commited to
spending his free time with his daughters.
Then there were the routine custody switches, a constant
stress. Parsowith's son lives with her one week and the next with his father, who is
remarried and lives a few blocks away. Parsowith's second husband had custody of his girls
every other weekend. "We went from being only two adults to two adults with one child
and then two adults with three children," says Parsowith, who is now dating a man who
has no children. "I never felt I had a real family. It just never jelled."
Some stepfamily problems stem from a lack of trust. It's
common for children whose parents have split up and then remarry to feel insecure and
unable to open up or embrace a stepparent or stepsibling. "Divorce is a blow to a
child's sense of security," says Emil Zakutny, a social worker who counsels
stepfamilies and is the director of outpatient mental health services at Mercy Medical
Center in Rockville Centre. "Many of these kids wonder whether the structure will
remain and the family system will be there in the future."
For the newlyweds, nurturing their new relationship while
trying to make a child feel secure and confident can be, at the least, very tricky.
That's why the first two years or so in a stepfamily's life
- years brimming with stress, disillusionment, conflict and internal divisions - are a
make-or-break period, Bray's study found. During this stage, Bray says, "There is no
way to avoid the turmoil. It's part of the process of forming a new family."
Although his study assumes that the children are young at
the time of the remarriage, the stages he identifies apply to stepfamily situations
involving children through the teen years.
Typically, the second stage - years 3 through 5 of a
stepfamily's life - are relatively tranquil. The children have adapted to the stepparent
and to the new circumstances of their lives, including new schools, friends and
neighborhoods, Bray says.
Once a stepchild crosses the line into adolescence, the
stepfamily enters the next stage, usually yet another rocky period, he says. (This also
applies, of course, to families who have stayed together.) But the teenage tumult may be
even more difficult and complicated in a stepfamily. That's because a stepchild continues
to wonder about what might have been - if not for the divorce, Bray says.
Young teens may turn to their custodial parent for answers
to painful questions about why their parents broke up. "If they avoid their
children's questions, the children may shift allegiance from their stepfamily to their
nonresidential parent, or, if that option is unavailable, they may become frustrated,
which leads to acting out," Bray writes.
Despite the stress of dealing with a teenager, marital
satisfaction was found to be high among stepparents who had managed to stay together, the
study found. "Couples could finally see the past taking on a pattern, adding
up," Bray says. "As they looked back at the three cycles, they could see what
their sacrifice, steadfastness and love had wrought." A Step-by-Step Guide For New
Stepparents ESTABLISHING a relationship with a stepchild can be tricky. Many children
of divorced parents go through a prolonged process of mourning the loss of their original
family. A 2-year-old may express such feelings by throwing a tantrum, an adolescent or
preteen by slamming a door. "The important thing is not to take the hostility
literally," says Sandy Wolkoff, director of training and consultation services at
North Shore Child and Family Guidance Center in Roslyn Heights.
Children of divorced parents also may feel worried or
anxious and may be struggling with issues of loyalty, she says. That's why it's so
important for stepparents to be patient and to accept the child in small and quiet ways.
"Kids appreciate when you don't ram yourself down their throats trying to be their
friend," Wolkoff says.
Treading carefully and slowly with a new spouse's children
means behaving "almost like a member of the extended family," says Helen Crohn,
a therapist for the Jewish Board of Family and Children's Services. Crohn counsels
stepfamilies.
Stepparents shouldn't come in and try to discipline the
children, she says. "Let the biological parent do that." Stepparents instead are
better off establishing themselves as a benign presence in the home. "Stepparents
need to be able to deal with a lot of ambiguity and gray areas," Crohn says.
Perhaps most important, stepparents have to be grown-up,
Wolkoff says. "They have to tolerate the uncertainty, ambiguity and discomfort of
marrying into a new family that has a history of intimacy."
James H. Bray, author of a new book called
"Stepfamilies," offered these tips to stepfathers that he says apply equally to
stepmothers: Go on group outings. Don't start off by scheduling lots of one-on-one
activities with a stepchild. Having others around to go to a baseball game or on a
mountain hike takes the pressure off everyone. Develop an interest in the stepchild's
interests. Doing so sends the message that you care and value the same things the child
does. Spend some time alone with the child. Eventually, that is. Doing so will be more
comfortable once you and your stepchild have established a bond to each other. Copyright
1998, Newsday Inc. Republished here with the
permission of Newsday. No further republication or
redistribution permitted without the express written consent of Newsday.
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